The problem is that I believe every word you say.
I believe in the fantasy of it, and oh baby, does it do me so wrong.
I hold onto every word you say because I think it means something, even though the tried, tested and true record shows that actions speak louder than words.
So with every word of yours that I continue believe, and every word I hold onto, I inevitably choose to break my heart again and again. For no other good reason, except that I believe in the fantasy of you. An idealization of you but in truth, not the reality of you.
The highs and the lows from this situation are so addictive. My masochistic self cannot help but continue to search for the validation and subsequently, the let down. But we all have to make choices for the betterment of one's self. And although this may continue to be one of the most difficult things on my plate, I must push through.
Because I refuse to go through life in torment. Life is way too short for me to sit here and dwell on your shortcomings.
3/30/12
3/6/12
This is the first time I can actually believe that you are not going to come back into my life. This is also the last time I want to dedicate so much of my energy to you.
It's so sad how one soul can put such attention and focus to an individual, for it to never be reciprocated.
What happened to you?
I want to move on and be happy.
It's so sad how one soul can put such attention and focus to an individual, for it to never be reciprocated.
What happened to you?
I want to move on and be happy.
2/28/12
2/27/12
I am so mad at you I cannot even begin to describe it with words, because I am so sad due to you, the line between my heart and my head no longer exists.
You make these promises, of which I felt meant things would change. Perhaps I didn't make it clear enough when I said a) see me more, b) don't cheat and c) don't bail - I also meant, don't ignore me.
So yet here I am, back to my CRAZY (not usual) self, waiting for you to respond to me. I don't care how busy you are, can you not at least have the decency to say, "hey, I'm busy right now. Not ignoring you... etc. etc.". Instead, you ignore me. AGAIN. And you know what, it feels really shitty. Really shitty because I like you and want you to treat me right all the time, not just when you have the time to do so.
This is so simple. Yet it's so important. In this moment, I cannot be more clear of your true character - selfish and heartless.
If this were anyone else, I wouldn't care because it's just one message. But it's you, and after all this time and all these new promises, it means so much more.
How come you can't respond to me? But yet you have the time to post shit and I bet you also have the time to read news, text a friend, listen to music, talk on the phone, etc.
If you had the decency to put yourself in my shoes, as I truly believe I have tried to put myself in your shoes, you will see that all I needed was a response. Did I not elaborate enough that I need immediate affirmations and reinforcement?
If you say you are busy - then fine, get off facebook. BUT IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO POST MUSIC, YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO RESPOND TO ME BECAUSE I SHOULD BE THAT IMPORTANT. BECAUSE YOU DONT WANT TO SEE ME UPSET. BECAUSE YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO IGNORE ME, BECAUSE WHO LIKES TO BE IGNORED, ESPECIALLY A GIRL WHO JUST ASKED YOU TO BE NICER, AND ESPECIALLY TO A GIRL YOU SAID YOU COULD TREAT BETTER.
You make these promises, of which I felt meant things would change. Perhaps I didn't make it clear enough when I said a) see me more, b) don't cheat and c) don't bail - I also meant, don't ignore me.
So yet here I am, back to my CRAZY (not usual) self, waiting for you to respond to me. I don't care how busy you are, can you not at least have the decency to say, "hey, I'm busy right now. Not ignoring you... etc. etc.". Instead, you ignore me. AGAIN. And you know what, it feels really shitty. Really shitty because I like you and want you to treat me right all the time, not just when you have the time to do so.
This is so simple. Yet it's so important. In this moment, I cannot be more clear of your true character - selfish and heartless.
If this were anyone else, I wouldn't care because it's just one message. But it's you, and after all this time and all these new promises, it means so much more.
How come you can't respond to me? But yet you have the time to post shit and I bet you also have the time to read news, text a friend, listen to music, talk on the phone, etc.
If you had the decency to put yourself in my shoes, as I truly believe I have tried to put myself in your shoes, you will see that all I needed was a response. Did I not elaborate enough that I need immediate affirmations and reinforcement?
If you say you are busy - then fine, get off facebook. BUT IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO POST MUSIC, YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO RESPOND TO ME BECAUSE I SHOULD BE THAT IMPORTANT. BECAUSE YOU DONT WANT TO SEE ME UPSET. BECAUSE YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO IGNORE ME, BECAUSE WHO LIKES TO BE IGNORED, ESPECIALLY A GIRL WHO JUST ASKED YOU TO BE NICER, AND ESPECIALLY TO A GIRL YOU SAID YOU COULD TREAT BETTER.
9/8/11
8/9/11
Never thought I would let myself get here, but as I seemingly always do, I let myself like you more than you liked me.
It just wasn't supposed to be, but I kept pushing it in my idealized head that it could.
But alas, I should've known better. Now...this time I do, I really do.
It was kind of fun, but I'm glad to be moving on from you.
Best of luck to you and your ambitions.
Hope that you get over yourself one day and give your love and attention to a girl who deserves it.
It just wasn't supposed to be, but I kept pushing it in my idealized head that it could.
But alas, I should've known better. Now...this time I do, I really do.
It was kind of fun, but I'm glad to be moving on from you.
Best of luck to you and your ambitions.
Hope that you get over yourself one day and give your love and attention to a girl who deserves it.
6/27/11
Is there a reason why you can't respond to my barrage of messages to you? Or do you feel it best to remain silent? Your lack of communication, especially just after the time we spent together, doesn't make a girl feel good about herself and her feelings. I thought we were closer than this.
The truth of the matter is that I don't feel like I can continue on without moving on from you. Over all this time, I've gradually worked myself up into really liking you and into wanting some reciprocity. Not to match any ideals, but rather, the simple things, such as giving me some attention and keeping promises.
I swear I am not a push over. But with you, I sure feel like one. For some reason, I can't bring myself to be really mad at you, even though I know I should be. Instead, I'm just really sad.
I think you're pretty dope. But I need to get on and move on and stop moping over the fact that it has been X amount of days since I've talked to you or seen you.
I need to cut my contact with you. Hope you don't take it the wrong way. It's been fun.
The truth of the matter is that I don't feel like I can continue on without moving on from you. Over all this time, I've gradually worked myself up into really liking you and into wanting some reciprocity. Not to match any ideals, but rather, the simple things, such as giving me some attention and keeping promises.
I swear I am not a push over. But with you, I sure feel like one. For some reason, I can't bring myself to be really mad at you, even though I know I should be. Instead, I'm just really sad.
I think you're pretty dope. But I need to get on and move on and stop moping over the fact that it has been X amount of days since I've talked to you or seen you.
I need to cut my contact with you. Hope you don't take it the wrong way. It's been fun.
I'm really horrible at keeping promises to myself. (See post below re: the discovery of the asshole tendencies of a man of interest). Here I am, a month and a bit later, and I find myself in the same position.
I'm over it. I spend so much time of you and for what? Some good times, conversations, affection, attention, and then what? I'm not happy with being someone you kick it with occasionally anymore. I want to be that someone for you.
I'm over it. I spend so much time of you and for what? Some good times, conversations, affection, attention, and then what? I'm not happy with being someone you kick it with occasionally anymore. I want to be that someone for you.
Chemistry
- 3.5/5
- I think we get each other in some ways, but in others, we are both so completely lost. I think that there is better out there, for the both of us.
Accountability
- 2/5
- What kills me here is that I know that you can be accountable when you CHOOSE to be. When you don't care, for whatever reason that is, you really cannot be relied upon. Big no bueno for me and my personality.
Intellectual Equality
-1.5/5
- You are brilliant. But you make me feel stupid when I'm around you.
Kindness
- 1/5
- Yes, I want those sweet gestures. No, you don't do them often, if at all. Again, I know I can get more.
4/30/11
Asshole Game Repellent
1. Take all actions at face value. If it looks douchey, it is. No excuses:
“He’s in a bad place because of his past relationship.”
“But you could have followed up with me!”
“That didn’t mean anything with her, we’re just friends.”
“I didn’t follow up because I wound up not going out last night.”
“Whoa, it’s not like I’m your boyfriend, chill!”
Damn. Well that's simple. Face value actions. MUCH EASIER SAID than done, though. But it's true - if it looks douchey, it is. I think back to all those times of bailage...damn.
2. Penalize mixed messages.
If a man cares about you and wants to get to know you for anything more than sex, he will make sure you know that. If you don’t know it, he doesn’t care.
At the first sign of mixed messages, you get to ask what’s going on, to put him on alert that you don’t appreciate his inconsistency. Once. If it’s happens a second time, walk away, he doesn’t care.
3. Reject any man who does not demonstrate real affection.
Real affection should be evident in his physical attention, but also in the amount of non-sexual time he wishes to spend with you. If you do not see emotional intimacy developing in a real way, he doesn’t care. It may be gradual, or slow, but there should be steady progress on this front.
1. Take all actions at face value. If it looks douchey, it is. No excuses:
“He’s in a bad place because of his past relationship.”
“But you could have followed up with me!”
“That didn’t mean anything with her, we’re just friends.”
“I didn’t follow up because I wound up not going out last night.”
“Whoa, it’s not like I’m your boyfriend, chill!”
Damn. Well that's simple. Face value actions. MUCH EASIER SAID than done, though. But it's true - if it looks douchey, it is. I think back to all those times of bailage...damn.
2. Penalize mixed messages.
If a man cares about you and wants to get to know you for anything more than sex, he will make sure you know that. If you don’t know it, he doesn’t care.
At the first sign of mixed messages, you get to ask what’s going on, to put him on alert that you don’t appreciate his inconsistency. Once. If it’s happens a second time, walk away, he doesn’t care.
WHY didn't I find this about 1 month ago, when I could've put this advice to action. At least I ended up walking away... just not the 2nd time.
3. Reject any man who does not demonstrate real affection.
Real affection should be evident in his physical attention, but also in the amount of non-sexual time he wishes to spend with you. If you do not see emotional intimacy developing in a real way, he doesn’t care. It may be gradual, or slow, but there should be steady progress on this front.
Damn.
4/4/11
Untitled 1
How somebody else reacts to a situation is out of my control. However, I have all the power in the world to control how I think, feel, and act in this situation. I can't ask you to be nicer. Nor can I ask you to say sorry a million times and actually mean it. Nor can I expect you to remember all of the times you ditched me, which you apparently forgot.
I hate how you convinced yourself that you weren't a dick. Congratulations.
The way I see it is that I have two choices - I can either be positive or negative. And I'd much rather go through life thinking positively, than negatively.. because as cliched as it sounds, we really only have one life to live.
So thank you for the good times, and the lessons learned.
I hate how you convinced yourself that you weren't a dick. Congratulations.
The way I see it is that I have two choices - I can either be positive or negative. And I'd much rather go through life thinking positively, than negatively.. because as cliched as it sounds, we really only have one life to live.
So thank you for the good times, and the lessons learned.
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